I Want More

Back in youth group, I had a leader once refer to something called "the scary prayer." The scary prayer was, "God, change my heart." At the time, I didn't appreciate the depths of those words, but now, I understand exactly what she meant.

In a time of feeling far from the Lord, I asked Him a few weeks back to change my heart. I knew that there must be something in there that was keeping me from being close to Him. Isn't it funny how we think we know our own hearts and motives, only to be shocked when God reveals what's truly there? 

In an answer to that prayer, God showed me what was really preventing me from closeness with Him and it honestly floored me. My problem was more. Literally. My problem was that, without even realizing it, I had gotten to a place where I just needed more. I wanted more clothes, more food, more home decor, more Instagram worthy posts, more everything.

I've gotten so caught up in "more" that I haven't even been able to see the desire for what it is. It's not that I can't control myself. It's that I haven't tried to in so long, that I've forgotten what exercising self-control is. In my pursuit of more, I wasn't able to see why I didn't desire more of God. Why wasn't I seeking after Him? Why wasn't He answering my prayers to fill me with more of His Spirit? Maybe He was trying to and I just didn't hear Him over my flesh telling me to see more. Maybe there was no extra room for His Spirit in my cluttered heart.

And that's the thing about sin. Had someone told me a month ago that "more" was my issue, I would've told you that you were nuts. Minimalism and social media fasts are two things I love! And hello, have you seen my 20 year old hand-me-down couches? You would not walk into my house and think, "Man this girl is all about having the best!"

But sin isn't always clear from the outside. In fact, sin does its best work in the darkness of your heart, where sometimes you can't even see it. That's why it's crucial to be in the Word and ever praying that scary prayer. Trust me, God will reveal to you what's truly going on in your life.

With that, I have one final thought for you, my friend. Beth Moore said it best: "One sure measurement of our proximity to God, whether near or far, is the length of time lapsing between conviction and repentance." Being made aware of your sin is a huge step. However, being aware and changing are two different things. So here are my questions to you: Have you asked God to change your heart and show you the mess that's in there? And if you have, what are you doing about it?

Don't worry friends, I'm right there next to you, walking that messy walk of repentance and change. Feel free to join me as I seek to fill my heart with more of Jesus and less of the unnecessary junk.

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