Life Confessions: Failing at love and other things

Okay, I have to get something off of my chest. Somewhere along the line, I have become a complete, raging hippie. Don't ask me how - I have no idea, but it happened. I blame every one of my husband's ailments on either needing a diet that boosts gut health or dehydration. Kidding you not. One day, he's going to go postal and throw my homemade cleaning products to the wind. Bless his heart, he sure is patient with my crazy.

Now that the less painful confession has been released, it's time to get onto a more real note. A wise friend once told me that when hardships hit, the true colors of your heart bubble over into your life. I didn't really let those words sink in at the time, but in the past few months, I've gone through an excruciating season of betrayal, loneliness, and heartache. And let me tell you this: what has boiled over from my heart has NOT been the stuff of Hallmark movies. This has become especially apparent on my honeymoon (I know, my timing is truly impeccable). My poor husband has been such a gem as I have colossally failed to love him well. I've been so selfish about how we handle our time, insisting on doing what I want to do when I wanted to do it. When the Lord opened my eyes to this ugliness (thankfully very early on in our trip), the grief was almost too much for me. My meltdown resembled Kim Kardashian when she lost her diamond earring in the ocean - please don't judge me for knowing that reference.

What I'm trying to say here is that my heart has been a desert to love. I've been selfish and judgmental. How on earth can I expect to represent Jesus well when all He asks is for me to love - both Him and others (See Mark 12:29-31)? Not to mention, lacking love is a lonely island to be on. 

You may be wondering at this point (if you're still reading), "Why is she so plainly painting her failures for any person on the World Wide Web to stumble across? This woman is nuts!" Well, there is in fact a method to my madness. You see, I've gotten sick of my lonely loveless island. It's really not all it's cracked up to be. I am CRAVING real, vulnerable community. And if I want real, vulnerable community, that's what I have to be first. So here I am friends. Faults bared open for you to see. Anxiously hoping and praying that you will join me in learning to love and make this island a little less lonely. 

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