A Letter To Myself 6 years ago
I was just about to write a letter to myself from a year ago, when I was leaving to go on a two-month missions internship to Clarkston, Georgia. Then I happened to look at my Facebook memories and realized that six years ago today was my last day of school at the American-British Academy in Muscat, Oman, before moving back to the United States. So, I decided to write a letter to myself six years ago.
Dear Kelsey,
Today you will wake up with a lot of emotions running through your body. It will be an odd change to the constant aching and pain in your heart that you have grown accustomed to over the past three years. Today, you will attend your last day of school overseas. Then, you will pack up the last three years of your life, and get on a plane to head back to what is supposedly your home.
You're not going to know how to feel-that's okay. You will be excited about going "home" to the United States for the first time in three years. There are family and friends that you have been dying to see for so long that you will at last be reunited with. Chick fil a will make its way back into your life, as will the ability to go out in public wearing shorts and not be gawked at or cat-called to non-stop.
But you with that excitement comes a lot of apprehension. Oman has been home to you for so long. America seems almost foreign. Your friends will have made new friends; your family will have new ways of doing things. There are styles you will be unfamiliar with; popular songs you have not heard. People will find it strange that you and your family make jokes in other languages or that you have all of these crazy experiences. Often times, you will feel like an alien. That's okay. Relish in those moments knowing that you have gotten to live a life so full of adventure.
You will also feel relief. There is no longer the double life of being a missionary in a country where it is against the law. Living this almost secret life is an exhausting and confusing thing for an 11 year old girl to get used to. However, it has become apart of your world for three years, and it will be odd not having this "secret identity." So relax, the pressure's off. The government isn't watching your family's every move. You aren't feeling the need to hide from your wealthy school friends that your family doesn't have much money. It will be tough readjusting to just being yourself, but it will be wonderful.
Oh, and I have to mention the pain. Your innocent young heart has been battered and bruised. You feel so broken inside that it seems impossible to ever be whole again. The concept of trusting anything or anyone has become so foreign, as you have been consistently hurt time and time again. I know that you wonder how your heart has handled so much pain and still managed to move on.
Some days, you will feel dead inside. Other days, you will feel so much pain that it seems like your insides are going to explode and you cry those shaking sobs until your exhausted body falls asleep. These years of your life have been a roller coaster of inconsistency, confusion, and chaos. The pressure your parents have gone through affected you in real and hurtful ways. I know that you are so, so angry at them and at God.
So be angry. Question God, but know that He is there. Your life will not suddenly go back to normal and happy. You will have good days and you will have bad days. The battle against bitterness will be one that you fight for a long time. Forgiveness is one of the toughest lessons you will learn. Consistency is not something that will immediately come back into your life, but you will learn how to roll with the punches. The scars from your life will sometimes manifest themselves in real, ugly ways. Slowly, you will learn how to handle them with grace. Slowly, you will start to heal.
But Kelsey, if there is one thing that my heart cries out for you to know, it's that Jesus loves you more deeply than your broken little heart can begin to fathom. It breaks me all over again knowing that you feel as though you can't even trust Him to protect you. I know that you are too young right now to understand that there is so much greater of a purpose to your heartache. He is going to grow your faith and strength in Him to be an unstoppable force. His power will be made perfect in your weakness. Over the next six years, He is going to take you on a sweet and beautiful journey of restoration. Your heart will be mended. Things you thought impossible, He will make possible. And yes, even though you doubted Him and were angry at Him for so long, God is going to choose to use you in ways that will both humble you beyond belief and blow your mind.
So don't give up-on God or on yourself. It's not going to be a quick and easy fix. Six years later, you will still have hardships. But you will know without a shadow of doubt in your mind that your life has purpose. You were bought with a price, and you are of the highest value. Hang in there, kid. Your life has so many exciting adventures in store that I can't wait for you to experience.
I can finally say that I love you,
Kelsey
Dear Kelsey,
Today you will wake up with a lot of emotions running through your body. It will be an odd change to the constant aching and pain in your heart that you have grown accustomed to over the past three years. Today, you will attend your last day of school overseas. Then, you will pack up the last three years of your life, and get on a plane to head back to what is supposedly your home.
You're not going to know how to feel-that's okay. You will be excited about going "home" to the United States for the first time in three years. There are family and friends that you have been dying to see for so long that you will at last be reunited with. Chick fil a will make its way back into your life, as will the ability to go out in public wearing shorts and not be gawked at or cat-called to non-stop.
But you with that excitement comes a lot of apprehension. Oman has been home to you for so long. America seems almost foreign. Your friends will have made new friends; your family will have new ways of doing things. There are styles you will be unfamiliar with; popular songs you have not heard. People will find it strange that you and your family make jokes in other languages or that you have all of these crazy experiences. Often times, you will feel like an alien. That's okay. Relish in those moments knowing that you have gotten to live a life so full of adventure.
You will also feel relief. There is no longer the double life of being a missionary in a country where it is against the law. Living this almost secret life is an exhausting and confusing thing for an 11 year old girl to get used to. However, it has become apart of your world for three years, and it will be odd not having this "secret identity." So relax, the pressure's off. The government isn't watching your family's every move. You aren't feeling the need to hide from your wealthy school friends that your family doesn't have much money. It will be tough readjusting to just being yourself, but it will be wonderful.
Oh, and I have to mention the pain. Your innocent young heart has been battered and bruised. You feel so broken inside that it seems impossible to ever be whole again. The concept of trusting anything or anyone has become so foreign, as you have been consistently hurt time and time again. I know that you wonder how your heart has handled so much pain and still managed to move on.
Some days, you will feel dead inside. Other days, you will feel so much pain that it seems like your insides are going to explode and you cry those shaking sobs until your exhausted body falls asleep. These years of your life have been a roller coaster of inconsistency, confusion, and chaos. The pressure your parents have gone through affected you in real and hurtful ways. I know that you are so, so angry at them and at God.
So be angry. Question God, but know that He is there. Your life will not suddenly go back to normal and happy. You will have good days and you will have bad days. The battle against bitterness will be one that you fight for a long time. Forgiveness is one of the toughest lessons you will learn. Consistency is not something that will immediately come back into your life, but you will learn how to roll with the punches. The scars from your life will sometimes manifest themselves in real, ugly ways. Slowly, you will learn how to handle them with grace. Slowly, you will start to heal.
But Kelsey, if there is one thing that my heart cries out for you to know, it's that Jesus loves you more deeply than your broken little heart can begin to fathom. It breaks me all over again knowing that you feel as though you can't even trust Him to protect you. I know that you are too young right now to understand that there is so much greater of a purpose to your heartache. He is going to grow your faith and strength in Him to be an unstoppable force. His power will be made perfect in your weakness. Over the next six years, He is going to take you on a sweet and beautiful journey of restoration. Your heart will be mended. Things you thought impossible, He will make possible. And yes, even though you doubted Him and were angry at Him for so long, God is going to choose to use you in ways that will both humble you beyond belief and blow your mind.
So don't give up-on God or on yourself. It's not going to be a quick and easy fix. Six years later, you will still have hardships. But you will know without a shadow of doubt in your mind that your life has purpose. You were bought with a price, and you are of the highest value. Hang in there, kid. Your life has so many exciting adventures in store that I can't wait for you to experience.
I can finally say that I love you,
Kelsey
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